Dance Dance Revolution:
Gaying it up with the best of them. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!

A flame and rant by Shad

Ahh, DDR...what better way to spend your weekend than hanging out with fanboys, fag-hags, teenagers, and fat ugly women trying to dance around like the lame white people they are on a 6-inch thick slab of stainless steel to shitty disco remixes done by even shittier Japanese and Korean pop groups (while sufferring through epileptic seizures caused by piss-poor graphics and scrolling background clip art). And what is the point, you ask? ...To unlock even more shitty disco remixes, get very sweaty and dirty, and gain the affection of dozens of gay, flaming men. With so many positives, it's hard to imagine any negatives to playing DDR, right? Well, you're wrong....DEAD wrong.

Studies have shown that not only is DDR hazardous to your waistline, it also depletes the body of very necessary fluids which it requires to function properly. Due to this loss of fluid, brain function may also suffer, forcing the player into a delerious state, wherein the subject begins to believe that what they are doing no longer looks lame (like flailing the soaking wet carcass of a dead cat while wearing your mother's sunday dress) but that it actually looks cool...REALLY COOL. Unfortunately, because this delerious state is a highly contagious mental disease, all people standing within range of the glow from the video gaming unit also become enfeebled, and wackiness can - and will - ensue. This can include paying for other people's video gaming habit for the simple pleasure of not being the only person looking like a fool on the video game, posting on internet forums under the name DDRgivesmeanalpleasure1993, and of course homosexual undertones. It has also been recorded that many injuries have taken place due to the rigid metal that the machine is built on, resulting in 936 injuries, 27 hospitalizations, 14 deaths, and 79 anal rapings in the last year.

Who could be a victim? There are many symptoms that can be related to being a DDR freak. The first thing to look for when trying to decide if your friend is a DDR freak is if they are disappearring for long periods of time to visit what some of us call a 'cruising arcade'. DDR freaks tend to spend many hours pumping their hard-earned money into the dancing game rather than buying things like books, clothing, food, and hygiene products. The second, sometimes more obvious symptom, is a sudden attraction in underage girls and boys. This might be initially displayed in the form of jokes and goofing around, but you should take this as a serious warning of things to come. Finally, before all hope is lost the last sign of DDR freakdom you should look for is involuntary foot movements and choreography set to techno music where no DDR video game is present. This is truly a sad, sad sight. The point of no return occurs when the subject decides on a career in fashion, theater, or marketing.

What can be done? Many different techniques have been tested, such as poking fun at these freaks for attracting more homosexuals than members of the opposite sex, laughing at them for spending their last $20 on a weekend of dance-tournament fiasco, and calling them out for being pathetic losers who hang out with kids and play dancing games. Unfortunately, all these techniques have failed miserably, and only one solution has seemed feasable at this stage...to ignore it until the fad dies. Unfortunately (or fortunately, take your pick), arcades are becoming more and more scarce, and as soon as Japan and Korea stop pumping out these lame video machines of death and sexual confusion, they will start to get old (studies show that they already are) and kids will eventually lose interest. Fortunately, there is already a substitute for DDR, as the kids will come to learn, and hopefully DJ Xero will use those Exstacy-stuffed hormone-pumping raves to his advantage and finally do something professional with his music instead of dancing his life away in steaming hot arcades. In closing, America doesn't need another Dance Dance Revolution, we already suffered through one, and it was called "the 70's". And it sucked bad enough the first time.