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Jesus Christ in shitty napkins. If ever a film deserved to enter the
horrid annals of Trash Cinema history, it is Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.
Mortal Kombat: Humiliation |
We should have known we were in for a buttload of pain when the VCR
refused to accept this cinematic floater three times and emitted a distressed
mechanical groan before finally resigned itself to its fate. The first
Mortal Kombat was fine cinema - all right, it was a piece of shit, but
at least it tried. We're given about thirty seconds of recap, then ten
minutes of full-on wackiness as a bunch of characters from the first
movie (played by actors we've never seen before) are fucked up with
big style on the side of the fucking powerful pitbull by the chalupa-chomping,
mudhole-stomping Shao Kahn, emperor of Outworld, and some bad guys who
died in the first movie.
Cyborg ninja extraordinaire |
After fighting legions of expendable ninjas, our heroes retreat into a
temple, where they ride an Atlasphere from American Gladiators into the
center of the Earth and are subsequently attacked by Smoke (an invisible
robot ninja with dreadlocks) and some more ninjas. Sub-Zero's older brother
and Scorpion show up out of nowhere and fight for no readily apparent
reason. I blacked out at this point and Jake is unwilling to speak of
what happened for the next twenty minutes or so.
Well. Moving on. Suddenly we're in a top secret military cyborg laboratory
and there's some yellow robot shooting spiked balls out of his chest
at a stereotypical black guy who has "cybernetic strength enhancers"
on his arms. The robot belches "Death is the only way out." Then some
shirtless guys show up and start whipping up the shit with spiked clubs.
Wait a minute, where the hell did all these Gregorian monks come from?
Right about now Jake vomits heartily out the window and I run to the
bathroom to down my next three months' supply of Prozac.
Ding! Evil, bitches!!! |
The movie continues in this fashion for the next forty-five minutes,
but we'll forsake a plot summary in favor of the standard Trash Cinema
Character Roll Call. We have:
James Remar chooses humanity over immortality. What
a moron! |
Liu Kang: Winner of the Mortal Kombat tournament in the first
movie. He gets his ass kicked a lot.
Rayden: NOT Christopher Lambert. Normally this would be a good
thing, but this guy is even worse. WHY DON'T YOU CUT THAT MULLET, NUMBSKULL?!
Shao-Khan: Emperor of Outworld and a disgrace to bald imbeciles
everywhere. He likes to smash people into a fire pit with his big hammer.
Shao-Khan's Dad: This guy appears to be a member of the Illuminati,
and has a wicked old-growth mullet. Get out the hedge clippers, jerk.
Sonya Blade and Jax: Agents of some unnamed government agency.
Sonya wears an unflattering tank top and Jax has metal arms.
Cyrax and Smoke: Robotic ninjas. Not much difference between
these two, except that Smoke lives in the Earth's core and Cyrax lives
in Nevada.
Kitana: Princess of Outworld. She's apparently a great warrior,
but that doesn't stop her from being kidnaped by a bit character who
died in the first movie.
Sheeva: Trout-faced ho with four arms. She sort of drops off
the face of the movie halfway through.
Motaro: A cross between Diablo and a Cuban centaur. "Without
your weapons, you are no match for Motaro!" Jax stomps a mudhole in
his ass cause he's straight out the swamp.
Sindel: Kitana's mom. Either they have trailer parks in Outworld,
or the makeup artists for this movie looted the Halloween section at
Ames
Jade: Spy for Shao-Khan. He feeds her to a wall carving when
she doesn't do her job right.
Not even moderately attractive women or men with metal arms can
save this movie. |
Johnny Cage: Jackass. Dies in the first five minutes
of the movie.
Nightwolf: Played by Native American rapper Litefoot. He teaches
Liu Kang the value of turning into a ridiculous stop-motion dragon.
Baraka: Seems to be a pirate with sharp metal teeth that take
up half his face. Yar, into the fire pit with you.
Ermac: Ninja in a stealthy bright red plastic outfit.
Rain: The only character more useless than Ermac. Shao-Khan gets
pissed off at him and tosses him in the fire pit.
There you have it. A true pustule on the ass of cinema. A film that
boasts half the budget of Evil Dead 2 and makes only slightly more sense
than Fantasy Mission Force. A film that brings tears to our eyes and
bile to our throats. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, we salute you.
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