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All right, loyal Doombots, are you ready for some of that old-time
religion? And I mean really old-time, like Mormon “Let’s all
live happily ever after stuck in the sixteenth century” religion? Then
you’d best prepare yourself for the latest abomination to rear its ugly
head from the depths of Castle Doom: it’s called The
Devil’s Advocate, and it stars a couple of my favorite laughable
actors, Keanu Reeves and Al Pacino.
This
movie was written by a truly kooky individual who would like us to know
that he HATES ALL THIS NEW-FANGLED E-LECTRONIC COMPUTER MACHINE NONSENSE!
In fact the writer of this film hates anything that came to pass after
the bubonic plague. During The
Devil’s Advocate it is made quite clear that the following groups
are unwholesome and generally evil: lesbians, voodoo priests, black
people, lawyers, homeless people, joggers, naked women, people under
the age of sixty, people who aren’t Christian, and maybe even homeless
black lesbian joggers under the age of sixty who aren’t Christian and
practice law (and voodoo) in their spare time.
Of course, they could be pulling a Starship
Troopers gag here, which means The
Devil’s Advocate may in fact be a clever satire of the idiots it
would seem to glorify. However, the chances of this are slim.
In fact the only people in
this movie we’re supposed to have any sympathy for are the mouth-breathing
idiot so deftly played by Keanu, his hag wife, played by real-life mummified
hag Charlize Theron, and Keanu’s mother, who warns him that New York
is Babylon, and God doesn’t like the people who live there.
Does this seem rather backwards to anyone else? Satan telepathically
gets a woman to give him a blowjob, for Christ’s sake! And he’s the
villain!
 Oh,
I forgot another addition to the list of SINNERS – women who do not
want to spend their lives breeding. Over and over, Keanu’s wife drones on about
how she WANTS TO HAVE BABIES, until we’re hearing it even when she’s
not onscreen, kind of like that toothpaste commercial where the guy
brushes his teeth and he keeps on hearing the brushing all day OH GOD
THE BRUSHING MAKE IT FUCKING STOP anyway, Keanu doesn’t listen to his
wife. This is evil on his part, because he’s just
allowing her to sit around the house painting the walls and gossiping
with her lesbian succubus friends.
I digress. I feel I haven’t properly introduced you to
the many characters I’ve listed above.
It’s time for the TRASH CINEMA ROLL CALL.
- Kevin Lomax: Aspiring Southern lawyer
hired by Satan’s big-city law firm.
Given the fact that he is played by Keanu Reeves, his accent
is there about half the time.
- John Milton: What a subtle name for
Satan! Al Pacino is like the anti-Kenneth Brannagh. Brannagh can’t finish a sentence without
whispering, and Pacino can’t finished a sentence without bellowing
to hysterical effect.
- Mary Ann: Charlize Theron. She is a withered, emaciated trailer-park
reject for whom we are nonetheless expected to respect and love because
she wants to be barefoot and pregnant all her life.
- Eddie Barzoon: Buelleeeeerrrr!! Yes,
it’s Jeffrey Jones as a lawyer. He’s
beaten to death by homeless demonic joggers.
- Alice: Kevin’s mom. She leads an evangelical church run out
of a barn somewhere down south. I’m
not kidding, it’s in the movie.
- Alexander Cullen: If you’ve ever
wondered what it would be like to see O.J. Simpson played by Coach,
look no further than this film. He’s
on trial, and with Keanu Reeves for the defense, I don’t have much
hope for him.
- Phillipe Moyez: Delroy Lindo, the
kick-ass army guy from Congo!
He’s a voodoo guy, and since he practices some religion other than
Christianity, he obviously must have the power to use cow tongues
and nails to give prosecuting lawyers trouble in court.
 The
people complaining that Star Wars: Episode II was racist because
Jango Fett was apparently supposed to be an evil Mexican terrorist from
Afghanistan (he’s from New Zealand, but I guess that’s a technicality
as far as the Detroit Critics’ Circle is concerned) should pull their
heads out of their asses and take a look at this
piece of medieval filth. Who
the hell thinks naked lesbians feeling each other up and making out
in an elevator while Al Pacino watches…is EVIL?! Okay, maybe if you
replace the words “Al Pacino” with the word “me,” it’d be a lot better
(though not grammatically correct), but as they say, two out of three
ain’t bad.
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