Alcoholism is defined as a disorder characterized by the excessive consumption of and dependence on alcoholic beverages, leading to physical and psychological harm and impaired social and vocational functioning; also called alcohol abuse or alcohol dependence. People drink for many reasons: social gatherings, relaxation, depression. Sometimes, I just drink for fun. I decided to conduct an experiment, because I'd always wondered what it would be like to be drunk first thing in the morning. Y'know, outside the popular boundaries drawn by the common morals of society. Here is the tale of my adventure. Keep in mind that I'm drinking almost constantly during this adventure unless otherwise stated.

I woke up at 10:30 AM. After rolling around under the covers for a few minutes and adjusting my body temperature to the cool morning air, I slid out from under my blanket, rolled across the bed, and fell onto the floor. It was a going to be a great day. There was no point in showering, or even getting dressed. I threw on a robe, turned on the TV, and headed for the fridge. There, a few of my closest friends awaited me: Jack Daniels, my immigrant friend Smirnoff, and of course the Captain. It seemed like a perfect opportunity to spend a little quality time with all of them, and I thought that even the fresh taste of plums would accommodate this joyful reunion. I sat down in my chair, placed the bottles on the table, and turned on my PC, as I would undoubtedly need to do some...research...as I sipped from the nectars of the Gods (well, the god Baccus in particular).

I quickly downed the Smirnoff Ice and then reached for the Captain. He was smiling at me the same as he always does, and the sweet aroma of his spicy goodness opened my sleepy morning eyes with more power than a bar of Irish Spring. But, the Captain was lonely, so I search for some Coca-Cola, or an otherwise suitable substitute. It was now 10:40.

The news on TV was depressing, and newscasters spoke about another plane crash or whatever other atrocities were happening throughout the country or overseas. I decided that it was time to do my...research... I sat in front of the computer and brought up one of my more frequently visited websites. I sampled their newest wares and paged through several pictorials until I found one that particularly caught my eye. Yes, this one would satisfy the beast. But, someone was messaging me. I had forgotten to put my contact lenses in, and so I couldn't tell who was tying to chat with me. I said hello to them, or something else that was very general, then continued my...research. But that was not to be, as my telephone rang. I put down my frothy concoction and adjusted myself, then turned around to the telephone in the kitchen. After the third ring, I picked it up, but there was no one there. Damnable, now I've been interrupted and have to start my...research...all over again. Man, I love boobies. I put the phone down and positioned myself again to continue my computer fun time, and then slid and hurt my ass. I missed the chair.

After finishing my...research...it was time to do a little cleanup. It was now 11:10. My morning offering to Udon, God of Porcelain, was especially good this morning, and I washed off my face and made a valiant attempt to put my contact lenses in. It took FOREVER. Really, it had never taken me so long to put contact lenses in. It's probably because I was putting them in backwards, and kept sliding off my eyes or sticking to my eyelids. It was time for some Plum Wine. Yes, that will help me forget my frustration over the contact lenses. A few swigs of the *extremely* potent Plum Wine (courtesy of the good people of Japan) was all I needed to get back into the game...of inebriation! The time is now 11:30.

I had forgotten that I needed to go to the Post Office to pick up a package from overseas. For some reason, this sounded like a really good idea. In reality, it was probably the worst idea I've ever had, although it will add lots of content to this drunken adventure. I didn't bother showering, I just got dressed, put on my jacket, and left. I slowly made my way to the car, and kept telling myself that as soon as I sat down, I would be fine. Sure, I could drive, I wasn't THAT drunk. Well, we were about to find out.

The next 5 or 6 minutes were a blur. I remember riding the brake as I went downhill, because I was afraid that the cops that were usually in the huge empty parking lot would catch me driving under the influence. I remember that I gave someone the finger, and I think it was a senior citizen, but I'm not sure why. It was about a mile and a half to the Post Office, and when I arrived, someone pulled up in a car next to me and started to yell obscenities at me, but I ignored them and went inside. I'm really not sure why they were yelling at me, unless it was the same person I had just given said finger, but they were gone when I came out of the Post Office. I retrieved my package with no problems, and went home, also no issues there. I do remember that my driving wasn't up to par, but I don't remember any near-collisions or anything, so I must have done well. But, I will never do that again. DON'T DRIVE DRUNK, KIDS!!!

It was now 12:00. After settling back in and pouring myself another drink, I received a phone call from my good friend Mary. It was her birthday, and she was asking me about my plans for the evening. I don't remember what I said, but she laughed at me and asked if I was drunk. Of course, I lied. Afterwards, I started to sober up, but not before playing some drunken video games!!! I sucked at it, but it was fun regardless. Yeah, I got my ass beat.

In conclusion, drinking in the morning kicks ass, and makes for a better day. If you're feeling shitty, or pretty good, or anything when you wake up, I'd highly recommend it, because it makes your life so much more interesting. Next time our experiment will be Drink Drink Revolution!!!