Hi, my name is Chris, and my anti-drug is cocaine! No, but seriously, I... Uh, huhuhuh.... testes, one, two? Alright, maybe a Beavis and Butthead reference is not the ideal way to kick off the inaugural installment of my column (or what-have-you, or, as they said in days of old, what-haveth-ye) for this site, or at least a great way to sound like I'm knowledgeable about whatever I may end up addressing here, but I can't help but feel that Beavis and Butthead have become really funny again lately. Maybe it has something to do with being in classes that are, more often than not, filled with people who're seemingly bending over backwards to sound like they know what they're talking about (and, from what I gather, they usually don't; I think their main tactic is using words like "reify" and "parthenogenesis" to make the teacher and the rest of the class think that they're actually operating on some whole other level wherein everything addressed within the scope of the class is somehow far beneath them), classes where people want to make blanket statements and where they speak with this 2x4-to-the-head kind of certitude about what they're saying, and somehow you just want to make "Poopy!" jokes by the time you get out of class in order to remind yourself that, hopefully, you're not in danger of getting fully absorbed by this kind of thing.

But anyway, Beavis and Butthead are pretty hysterical, and I wish that MTV would rerun it (were they not so bent on playing unbelievably bad shows most of the time, but that's another "rant" entirely, and one I don't think anybody needs to read; I usually just watch BET anyway since rap videos are the only entertaining ones nowadays-i.e., bizarre editing, ridiculous amounts of fisheye-lens shots of asses [no, this will never get old, for real], all of which make for pretty good entertainment, if not wholesome family viewing. I wouldn't necessarily say mainstream rap is "good" these days, either, in the sense that underground rap [the cerebral stuff that seems like a good deal of thought went into it, production- and lyric-wise] is, but [as just about anyone who's been exposed to my silliness for some period of time knows by now] I still think it's pretty hilarious. Ludacris and Jay-Z and Mystikal [especially the latter, I mean, "DAAAAAN-JUH!" Wha? I might go on and make fun of him a bit longer, but the truth is that I'm just too scared of him] can't possibly take themselves seriously, and their lyrics usually enter the realm of the amusing throwaway, etc., almost always backed by the almost certainly dashed-off and formulaic but somehow inexplicably funky Neptunes brand of production [whose "Lapdance" video, under the N.E.R.D. alias, is another of the joys of late-night BET viewing; whoa, I just viewed the uncensored version online, too], which is sure to sound ridiculous and dated soon - actually, the dying-Gameboy-battery blips of Britney Spears' "I'm A Slave 4 U" do already, but at least it's not as though they're trying to usurp drum-and-bass innovations anymore - but I continue to think is pretty good in a mindless way that threatens to disrupt any notion I might have of having discerning musical taste, but, oh, I started a parenthesis a long while back, didn't I? Sorry, folks).

I remember being exposed to good bands like Jon Spencer Blues Explosion and Reverend Horton Heat via Beavis and Butthead's video segments, and I'll always feel kind of nostalgic about this show, since it was around the time I began watching it that I more or less began to broaden my musical horizons. Music (as well as writing, but as you can tell so far, I'm pretty bad at that) has always been my passion, and seeking out new, or at least different, stuff is the way I tend to occupy a fair share of my time. Since getting to college and having a high-bandwidth connection, which occurred roughly at the genesis of Napster, my musical interests have continued to branch off in newer, stranger directions, but it seems that, at the same time, shopping for used vinyl at flea markets and the like has dropped off a bit, unfortunately. I'd guess this has something to do with increasingly avid record-collector types zipping around and grabbing LP lots at auctions and sorting through them to get stuff that's worth putting up on eBay, but I'm really not certain how this business works. However, I still jump at the chance to purchase some 25-cent-bin records now and again at Goodwill, and since this column (or whatever) is already in danger of veering wildly out of control into god knows what kind of nonsense, it's time for:

MY 5 FAVORITE SEMI-OBSCURE RECORDS

1. Can - Tago Mago (1971)

Okay, I initially realized that if I was going to actually include some albums on this list that weren't absolute rubbish, I'd have to go so far as to include some entries of the I-saw-this-for-$45-at-a-place-in-Philly-once-but-after-drooling-at-the-cover-for-an-hour-I-decided-to-just-get-this-on-CD variety. So be it. Anyhow, this is, as far as I'm concerned, the Holy Grail of the genre known as Krautrock, a strange experimental phase in German music that paved the way for Kraftwerk (if you've heard the theme song to "Newton's Apple," that's an example of what Kraftwerk sounded like back when they had a drumkit, long hair, and beards) and, eventually, lots of strange industrial bands that in turn cross-pollinated with techno to produce modern benchmarks of experimental electronic music. This double album is mostly rock-based, and starts off fairly conventionally - despite the presence of Damo Suzuki, the insane (really) Japanese singer who shrieks and howls in what sounds like three made-up languages at once, it could almost pass for Pink Floyd with a more funk-influenced drummer (this is one of those albums breaks-and-beats fiends are always on the lookout for) - until about halfway through, when the band decides to fuck around with astonishing results. Irwin Schmidt, the keyboard player - who trained with German composer and all-around nutcase Karlheinz Stockhausen, most recently famous for writing a composition to be played by four violinists on separate helicopters - unleashes an astonishing series of unidentifiable noises reminiscent of Dr. Who soundtrack music heard at the bottom of a swimming pool crowded with electrocuted dolphins. Damo's unhinged, reverbed-into-infinity chants and shrieks, plus some noisy-as-all-hell guitar, only adds to the weird and terrifying mood. The band mellowed out on their next release, making its sound a bit less cluttered and more rhythmic; by 1975 they were dabbling in early calm ambient stuff. Damo left, but he's still at it today as a solo artist, playing sporadic shows and looking and acting like an acid-fried Mr. Miyagi.

2. ESG - ESG (1981)

Another sample-spotter's treasure that I've only ever been able to find on Napster, this sounds like it could be one of the most incompetent albums ever recorded - three Puerto Rican sisters and another guy, all of whom look like they're about 14, playing bass, drums, and occasional guitar and keyboards - but there's something not only ridiculously funky about the low-fidelity groove that the group lays down but a kind of naive, innocent spirit in these simple instrumentals: you can tell that this record comes from an era when early rap, funk, and punk were colliding and exchanging ideas (an era in Washington DC when Minor Threat would open for Trouble Funk) and nobody was thinking about watering down their music for the sake of turning a profit. "UFO" is the classic, an uptempo, lurching groove laced with sirens and pitch-bended guitar clang that was sampled by just about every rap artist in the early '90s and can be seen as a forerunner of Public Enemy's layered-assault-of-sounds aesthetic. Anyway, this rules, and features some great Sesame-Street-inspired cover art.

3. Ohio Players - "Funky Worm/Pain" (1974)

A landmark of the funky-45 genre, as recently immortalized by DJ Shadow and Cut Chemist on their "Brainfreeze" mix - I haven't heard it, but supposedly they've recorded a sequel to it which features, among other treasures they unearthed, a junior-high home economics rap record which breaks down the virtues of cooking with gas heat. Though this record lacks the parts-one-and-two extended funk workouts made famous by James Brown (whose repetitive yet absurdly great "Ain't It Funky Now" was one of the records Rob and I would play ad infinitum on the Golden Castle jukebox until they mysteriously removed the 20 All-Time Greatest Hits CD and replaced it with one of those Now... That's What I Call Music! volumes), it more than makes up for it on "Funky Worm," actually the jokey B-side of a more commercial single. Featuring some amazing keyboard work that takes the formula Herbie Hancock pioneered on "Headhunters" into another level of porn-soundtrack-inspired funky genius (part of the astonishing keyboard solo that leads into the breakdown of the record was sampled by Dr. Dre for "Ain't Nuthin' But A G Thang," but the original goes on and manages to surpass the sample. It's an awe-inspiring experience hearing it, as is the case with many Funkadelic records), as well as one of the Players doing an imitation of an old woman that must be heard to be believed. Oh, yeah, this record's about, yes, a funky worm - not just a funky worm, but the funkiest worm in the world (which would seem to imply that there are other funky worms who we're unaware of) - who manages to, we're told, "play guitar without using his hands." Uh, okay.

4. Ornette Coleman, "The Empty Foxhole" (1966)

The avant-garde legend and originator of free jazz - which, to the uninitiated, usually sounds like a truckload of instruments being dropped down a flight of stairs - recorded this album and managed even to piss off his long-time defenders by not only playing the violin and trumpet (he was only trained in the saxophone, which most jazz critics circa the mid-1960s argued he wasn't so great at, either) but by recruiting his nine-year-old son on drums. And, wouldn't you know it, the kid's pretty hyperactive, sounding at times, in the days before the abuse of overdubs, almost like three hardcore punk drummers at once. Actually, this album isn't the pure chaos it might sound like; there are plenty of calm and subdued moments in the midst of the pummeling and shrieking, and when considered as a whole it becomes pretty apparent that Coleman was ahead of his time. Obviously, this is not for everyone, but it's definitely an asset to anybody's record collection, one to play for those who tend to believe jazz music is something for yuppies to fall asleep to, and once you've blown their eardrums off, they can start to listen again, deciphering the controlled chaos.

5. Mantronix, "Needle to the Groove" (1985)

Undoubtedly a masterpiece of early hip-hop, and, like the ESG record discussed above, there's an element of fun at hand here, the sound of a producer unafraid to experiment with new technology and break aside from the accepted formula of what a rap record was: by upping the ante as far as electronic elements were concerned - Afrika Bambattaa had already sampled Kraftwerk on "Planet Rock" and was discovering the vocoder, plus the versatility of the drum machine on classic racks like "Looking for the Perfect Beat," but hadn't yet come up with anything this complex, challenging (and, of course, funky as all hell). Indeed, you could say that, by mixing and cutting between separate drum machines and synths live in the studio to create an intricate, layered sound (which reached its peak on the subsequent single "Who Is It") Mantronix created a new blueprint for hip-hop production. Interestingly enough, it was neglected at its time (he ironically titled a song "Hardcore Hip-Hop" despite his rejection as "too weird" by the genre's purists at the time, much as DJ Shadow would do a decade later), but soon was embraced by club-music DJs and helped lead to techno, and, as always, onward. Artists today such as Autechre would, of course, not exist without records like this. Well, that wraps up this first column.

Perhaps in the future I'll keep up with the list format, since I own a ton of records (though I'm not buying nearly as many new ones as I used to, it seems) and don't have any real idea of a cognizant system as far as reviewing them's concerned. Of course, I welcome any suggestions or comments or criticisms, so don't hesitate to drop me a line.