An article

by Mighty Doom

SPECIES: Gov Buddy

AVERAGE HEIGHT: 6’

AVERAGE WEIGHT: 200 lb.

NATURAL ENEMY: Gov Dick

NATURAL HABITAT: Warehouses, On Top of Trains

CRY: “Don’t move, asshole!”

OTHER INFORMATION: The Gov Buddy is quite paunchy, but physically powerful, capable of disposing of its natural enemy, the Gov Dick, with its bare hands.  Its gun action is good, but the real action is with its fists.  These animals do engage in play activity, of a sort, making horrible puns or cracking wise after disposing of a rival in a particularly novel manner.  The Gov Buddy’s social structure is highly unusual.  They travel in pairs, and reproduction is accomplished through training, after which the dominant Gov Buddy will inform its sidekick, “From this point forth you’re Gov Buddy as well.” Reports of other family members – daughters, nieces, wives – remain unsubstantiated.

SPECIES: Bishie Squealer

AVERAGE HEIGHT: 5’

AVERAGE WEIGHT: 100 lb. (Worker), 210 lb. (Queen)

NATURAL ENEMY: Men, Attractive Women, Mighty Doom

NATURAL HABITAT: College Dorm

CRY: “Baka desu yo!”

OTHER INFORMATION: Though arguably humanoid in appearance, the Bishie Squealer cannot distinguish between the male and female homo sapiens and is a creature to be avoided at all costs.  They are generally found writing poorly worded fanfiction, the very prospect of which has been known to make otherwise wholesome anime completely unpalatable, and ruthlessly belittling any halfway good-looking female slutty enough to wear less than three shirts and a full compliment of Arctic furs.  One might surmise that the Bishie Squealer is a solitary animal, but all research seems to indicate a complex, hive-like social structure.  The common “worker” variety appears thin and sickly, while the massively bloated “queen,” often three times the size of her brood, is known to frequent anime conventions in costume.  Other theories postulate that the Bishie Squealer has no known reproductive habits.  They seem to simply happen, most likely as a result of poor self-image and bad luck with men.

SPECIES: Cleavage Ferret

AVERAGE HEIGHT: 12”

AVERAGE WEIGHT: 1lb.

NATURAL ENEMY: Underwire Bras

NATURAL HABITAT: Cleavage

CRY: “Peace out!”

OTHER INFORMATION: The Cleavage Ferret is currently the luckiest living animal on Earth.  It is adorable, coddled and spends the better part of its life between women’s breasts.  Perhaps hunted to the brink of extinction out of envy, the animal is uncommon and rarely seen in the open.  The Cleavage Ferret can be trained to provide comic relief or to transform into a weapon when such is required by the host whose cleavage it inhabits.  The animal is skittish, and will immediately retreat into its home when frightened.

SPECIES: Fanboy Stalker (a.k.a. Restraining Order Dyrk)

AVERAGE HEIGHT: 5 feet 8 inches

AVERAGE WEIGHT: 150 lb.

NATURAL ENEMY: Celebrities, The Genki Crew, or anyone of noticable talent

NATURAL HABITAT: Arcades, Anime Conventions, outside the houses of their natural enemies

CRY: “Hey buddies! I @M T4H W1NN@RRR!!!”

OTHER INFORMATION: The Fanboy Stalker (seen here hailing his natural enemy) is a creature with delusions of grandure. This pitiful being maintains a constant state of denial regarding the world around him and virtually anyone's opinion of him. The Stalker can usually be found near anyone who looks cooler than himself, attempting to assimilate himself into the group. Unfortunately, the pathetic and unattractive nature of his attempts can keep nearly everyone from befriending him. Frequent attempts and failures are the reasons why this strange animal has earned the nickname Restraining Order Dyrk. Encounters with the R.O. Dyrk could result in an armed attack, usually with a knife or some sort of shiv. It is recommended that you avoid the Fanboy Stalker at all costs, otherwise one might be challenged to a dancing video game for ridiculing the Stalker, or the aforementioned shivving.