Spider-Man: Better than Batman

A Review

by Shad

"I tingle my spider-senses in the biggest, most spidery review ever!"

If you thought that the full potential of comic book movies had already been tapped, prepare to shoot your webbing when you see Spider-Man!

I must say that I can't remember being so satisfied with a movie in a long, long time. Everything about this movie just makes it a great film to watch. Directed by Sam Raimi, whose major claim to fame has been the Evil Dead trilogy and producing the Hercules & Xena TV shows, Spider-Man is action, drama, romance, and Danny Elfman -packed with comic goodness. Without giving too much away, I can tell you that Spider-Man definitely pleases veteran fans of the comic series, as well as the average movie-loving geek like myself.

The Spider-Man movie centers around the origins of the web-slinging hero, his journey into manhood, and his first confrontation with a major villain. However, there are times that facing off against the Green Goblin seems easier than winning over his would-be girlfriend, Mary Jane Watson, who for most of the movie is dating some jerk or another, and sees Peter only as her 'sensitive guy friend'. Yeah, I hate that too. Needless to say, the nerdy, wimpy, born loser we know as Peter Parker is someone that we can all identify with, except of course for the superhuman strength, mutant web shooters, and hard tasty washer-board style abs.

But it's hard to fit about 40 years of conflict into a 2 hour long movie. A few changes had to be made, but somehow Sam Raimi and writer David Koepp managed to keep those changes tasteful and appropriate. Most fans will imediately notice the removal of Peter's first love, Gwen Stacy, and her replacement by Mary Jane in scenes that parallel those which ended the relationship betwenn Gwen and Peter. But fear not, this story has a happy ending, unlike Gwen's untimely death at the hands of the Goblin. Well, actually that's not really true. Actually, the ending isn't too happy, but it does kick a lot of ass, and MJ does survive to see the sequel.

And now, a quick rundown of the actors and the characters the play.

Nerd-tastic!

Peter Parker

Playing (as Asbestos refers to him) the nerdiest nerd ever to nerd the nerd, Tobey Maguire plays Peter, a mild-mannered high school student who gets picked on by everyone from the school bully down to the schoolbus driver. I was impressed by Tobey's ability to accurrately portray both the Spider-Man we know and love, and the complete dork that is his alter-ego. Wackiness ensues when, during a school field trip, a radioactive spider (whoah!) bites Peter, making him very ill. He quickly recovers, but finds that he has crazy-ass spider abilities, such as super-strength, the ability to walk on walls, and a keen sixth sense when danger is near. But unlike the average teenage boy, Peter doesn't have time to sit around shooting his white, sticky goo all over the city. Because with great power come great responisibilty...

"Spider senses flipping the fuck out!"

Spider-Man

Web-crawler extraordinaire! Get ready, spidey-fans, because this film even covers his years in professional wrestling (including cameos by Bruce Campbell and *gasp* Macho Man Randy Savage!)! Using his new spider abilities, Spider-Man tries to make a name for himself in the super-hero hall of fame. He soon earns a bad rap as he discovers that the city tabloids are trying to make him out to be a vigilante menace 2 society. But fear not, because he's gonna pound evildoers and slam evil! BLAOW!

"Gentlemen, to evil!"

Norman Osborn

Chairman of the board of Osborn Industries and played by William Dafoe (also with hard, tasty, washer-board style abs), Norman heads up a secret project designed to create the ultimate genectically-enhanced soldier. However, things go terribly wrong for Norman, when he begins to realize that he is FUCKING CRAZY. Soon, he retires his suit and briefcase for a hoverboard and pumpkin-bombs, and gives up his day-trading hobbies for blowing shit to smithereens. Typical villain stuff.

"Thank you, Satan!"

The Green Goblin

Not to be confused with the jolly Green Giant, this alter-ego of Norman Osborn has very different views than his corporate counterpart. His love for pumpkin-shaped explosives and killing expendable govermant guys soon becomes apparrent to Spider-Man, who vows to stop the villain from tearing the city apart. But the Green Goblin plans to rain on Spidey's parade...literally...with rubble and shrapnel!

Hotter than hot.

Mary Jane Watson

Unf. Played by the humpable Kirsten Dunst (even her last name sounds like perverted slang!), Mary Jane is Peter's first love...in this movie's reality, anyway. But, Dunst pulls it off well (uh huh-huh, huh-huh), playing the damsel in distress role to its fullest and breaking the hearts of every guy she dates. It only takes 3 saves by Spidey to make her fall in love with him. Yeah, she's that fickle.

The asshole-buddy.

Harry Osborn

Son of Norman Osborn aka Green Goblin, played by James Franco. Harry has been Peter's best friend since high school. But Harry seems to resent his father's success and wealth, because of the enormous amount of pressure it places upon him. But, since everyone is tired of hearing rich kids whine about not having any freedom, nobody in the movie really seems to give a shit about Harry, not even his girlfriend. But then again, Harry is just misunderstood, and maybe one or two sequels from now, we'll see how truly misunderstood he can be.

The asshole-boss.

J. Jonah Jameson

Played by Schilinger from HBO's Oz, J.K. Simmons. Jameson is the editor of the Daily Bugle, a newspaper that Peter does freelance photography for, making the big bucks off of photos of our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. But, being the money-grubbing dick that he is, Jameson decides it would be a great idea to smear Spider-Man's name all over the headlines as a menacing freak, and also to hire Ted Raimi so he can yell at him. There's a great hair joke that Simmons delivers with grace and perfection. I was amazed.

Everyone's favorite aunt, Aunt May.

Aunt May

There's not much that needs to be said about Aunt May, except that she rocks harder than Boston in this movie! Peter is raised by Aunt May and Uncle Ben at their home in Queens. May is a sweet old lady, who is always understanding of Peter, despite his constant secrecy, sneaking around late at night, and strange noises coming from his bedroom into the wee hours of the morning. There seems to be a 'dont as, don't tell' relationship between Peter and Aunt May. Played by Rosemary Harris.

"My rice 0wnz^r j00 all, 817<43z!!!"

Uncle Ben

Played by Cliff Robertson, Uncle Ben acts as a father-figure to Peter, as he tries to guide Peter's manhood... wait, that's not right... as he tries to advise Peter about what to do with his manhood.... no, that's not it either... as Peter handles his manhood... damn, I'm trying to say that Ben shows interest in Peter's manhood.... oh fuck it. Uncle Ben is just some nice old uncle that you can talk to without worrying about being fondled, pushed on with drugs, or having to listen to endless stories about `the war'.

"We're screwed, true believers!!!"

Stan Lee

Played by himself, Stan Lee once again appears in a movie based on a comic book that he created. In this scene, Stan dodges rubble and shrapnel, while trying to escape the destruction caused by the Green Goblin. Total screen time = 0.715 seconds.

Altogether, the plot alone keeps the viewerss eyes glued to the screen and their butts in their seats. Add a superior score, an excellent display of acting ability, and special effects and CG that will have you creaming your jeans, and you've got this year's first record-breaking blockbuster! Go watch it, now!