Released	1984
Directed by	Yin-Ping Chu
Written by	Nobody we know
Reviewed by	Mighty Doom
Rating	2/10 fists

Fantasy Mission Force is the single most bizarre film I have ever seen, its closest competitors being The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension and, more recently, the terrifying Moulin Rouge. The plot is so entirely incomprehensible than to explain it in this review seems an exercise in futility. However, that has never stopped me before (I did get into college, after all), so prepare yourself for the most insane shitfest ever to defame the annals of cinema.
It will make you shit blood.
It will tear the world asunder.
You have been warned.
Many unsuspecting viewers are drawn in by the large picture of Jackie Chan on the cover. Be forewarned that Jackie himself is in this film for a total of perhaps ten minutes. He's the closest thing to a main character we ever see, but in this case that's a relative term. Our film opens with four WWII Allied Major Generals (including Abraham Lincoln, and yes, they do say his name) are taken prisoner by the Japanese. Rocky, James Bond, Snake Pliskin and the Bald Detective are not available for the mission, so Lt. Don Win is sent to scrape together a group of notorious mercenaries and commandoes to reclaim the hostages, as well as seize a fortune in Nazi assets.

FANTASY MISSION FORCE ROLE CALL!!
1. Kevin and Emily. Kevin is played by Jackie Chan, and is honestly the least interesting character in this entire smorgasbord. Emily is his manager.
2. Billy and Lilly: Husband-and-wife mercenaries. Billy runs out on Lilly a lot, and she typically gets him back at gunpoint.
3. Baldy and Stone: Two Scotsmen. Played by Asian guys. They wear kilts, and Stone wears a suit of armor and is often seen swinging around a mace. I'm fairly sure these two are in some sort of gay relationship.
4. Old Sun: An old dirty bastard and probably the most endearing character in the film.
5. Greased Lightning: "The top break-away expert," according to Lt. Don. He looks a little like Howard Stern with shorter hair.

Add Lt. Don himself to the mix and you have a formidable and mindbogglingly strange cast. The story really gets underway when the Fantasy Mission Force (hereafter referred to as the FMF) is caught by a group of Amazon women and taken to their village, which is run by a 007 lookalike who lays down the law: "Of ten men nine are dirty. You have dirty language, and dirty minds. I am an artist. I worship beauty. I will destroy everything that is imperfect in my eyes. Bit by bit, and slowly. So many women with one man...why, if the world was like this, that would be okay by me! I'd ask no more." Lilly escapes with Kevin's help and sets about freeing the others. With a rousing cry of "I'll kill all of you bitches!" by Old Sun, the FMF makes a daring escape, leaving a trail of Amazon corpses and burning huts in their wake.

Having escaped the Amazon village (in China...in 1945...) our fatigued heroes, minus Lt. Don, apparently killed during the Amazon escapade, decide it would be prudent to spend the night in a haunted house. They are terrorized by ghosts and are about to be sacrificed by cultists, Satan and midgets with huge heads when Lilly shows up with her bazooka and, once again, bails the others out, reassuring them, "They're just a whole bunch of wizards. They just use ghosts to scare people."

The final showdown/hoedown pits the FMF against an army of Roman centurions, samurai, aliens and Nazis of suspiciously Asian appearance. All of the above are waving flares and riding atop 1970's muscle cars - except, of course, for the fat guy riding in a bulldozer with a gun mounted in the cab. Here's where the story takes a turn for the depressing. EVERYONE FUCKING DIES. Kevin, the ONLY remaining member of the cast, squares off against Lt. Don, who returns and brags of his plan to steal all the money for himself. Lt. Don and Kevin fight. Kevin wins. The generals come out of nowhere and demand his rank and unit, to which Kevin makes a heartfelt and tearful reply: "Don't know any generals. To me you look like clowns!"

There you have it. Is Fantasy Mission Force a kung fu movie? An epic retelling of War and Peace? A commentary on the evils of money and power?
The world may never know.
The horror...the horror....