WRESTLEMANIA DOOM!

An Article

by Mighty Doom

            Hollywood casting agents have noted of late that recent science fiction films lack the star power of the Universal monster films of yesteryear, or the Hammer Dracula films of the seventies.  Fortunately there’s a quick and dirty solution to this dilemma: BRING ON THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS! During the past three months I’ve seen as many sci-fi and fantasy films featuring wrestlers in starring roles.  I don’t know if that’s a good thing – I doubt it is – but one thing’s for sure: the addition of a pro wrestler makes an otherwise shitty and unentertaining film a hell of a lot more amusing.

ALIEN FURY

            There really aren’t any notable aliens in this awful, no doubt straight-to-video Twinkie shit of a movie.  In fact they look exactly like people, all the significant differences being on the inside – four lungs, nitrogen for blood, etc., never mind the fact that such physical attributes would hardly allow for a human exterior.  And they’re not particularly furious.  They’re trying to find a reason NOT to invade the Earth, for Christ’s sake.  The plot involves a secret division of the Department of Defense, named S.T.R.A.W., which has not only assisted thousands of retards the world over with their drinks, but identified what appears to be an impending alien invasion from the moon! Unfortunately someone in S.T.R.A.W., apparently not content with the way the organization handled that stupid Slurpee half-spoon/half-straw thing, is leaking information that the invasion is a hoax.

Not to fear! Anyone who breaches security in S.T.R.A.W. headquarters is quickly hunted down and tossed off a motorcycle or bike by that manliest of men, CHYNA! If you’re a particularly dangerous offender she might break your legs under an automatic door as well, or chase you on her own motorcycle before she tosses you off your own.  Rest assured, however, that if you get past the automatic door and are not riding some form of two-wheeled vehicle, you’re pretty much home free – until she breaks into your house and wrestles you to death! That’s right, the end of Alien Fury involves Chyna wrestling our protagonist within an inch of his life before he shoots her with a stun gun, which kills her.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN

            Jean-Claude Van Damme has never made a watchable film in his life – but his troubles are easily solved by throwing in a few wrestlers to balance out his phenomenal lack of talent in the martial arts! Reprising his role as Luc Devereaux, Van Damme now works as a technical advisor, building a better and more stable Universal Soldier.  S.E.T.H., the computer in charge of the program, goes haywire and downloads itself into a body (Michael Jai White), which then goes about the business of screwing up Devereaux’s life in every possible capacity.

            S.E.T.H.’s task is made easier by none other than GOLDBERG, another Universal Soldier who literally wrestles the life from his opponents.  Most notable is the scene in which S.E.T.H. stages the abduction of Devereaux’s daughter from a local hospital.  While S.E.T.H. kidnaps the girl, Goldberg has his hands full, because the entire hospital is apparently staffed by wrestlers.  Fighting off wave after wave of beefy doctors and security guards, Goldberg abandons the effort and lives to fight – well, wrestle, anyway – another day.  Be forewarned that this is the only entertaining scene in the entire film.

THE SCORPION KING

            A fine Conan derivative to top off the best summer for entertaining B-movies Doom has seen in many moons.  Though The Scorpion King doesn’t quite match up to Blade II, Resident Evil, Eight Legged Freaks and Jason X, it’s a good bad movie made better when you smuggle some Captain Morgan’s into the theater and pour a healthy dose into your large Coke.  THE ROCK, master of a thousand goofy faces, not to mention The People’s Champ, reprises his role from Diablo II: The Movie – uh, I mean The Mummy Returns.  Sort of.  In The Mummy Returns, he was a total bastard who ate a scorpion and fucked up a bunch of people.  In The Scorpion King, he’s a hero for the masses, and he uses his wrestling savvy against Michael Clarke Duncan.  And though he doesn’t bestow The People’s Elbow upon anyone (we saw enough of that in Blade II), he sure as hell knows how to raise his eyebrow in such a way that his tiny cranium seems even smaller in comparison to his abnormally huge face and neck – and that’s a formidable feat.