 All right, loyal Doombots, are you ready for some of that old-time religion? And I mean really old-time, like Mormon “Let’s all live happily ever after stuck in the sixteenth century” religion? Then you’d best prepare yourself for the latest abomination to rear its ugly head from the depths of Castle Doom: it’s called The Devil’s Advocate, and it stars a couple of my favorite laughable actors, Keanu Reeves and Al Pacino.
This movie was written by a truly kooky individual who would like us to know that he HATES ALL THIS NEW-FANGLED E-LECTRONIC COMPUTER MACHINE NONSENSE! In fact the writer of this film hates anything that came to pass after the bubonic plague. During The Devil’s Advocate it is made quite clear that the following groups are unwholesome and generally evil: lesbians, voodoo priests, black people, lawyers, homeless people, joggers, naked women, people under the age of sixty, people who aren’t Christian, and maybe even homeless black lesbian joggers under the age of sixty who aren’t Christian and practice law (and voodoo) in their spare time. Of course, they could be pulling a Starship Troopers gag here, which means The Devil’s Advocate may in fact be a clever satire of the idiots it would seem to glorify. However, the chances of this are slim.
In fact the only people in this movie we’re supposed to have any sympathy for are the mouth-breathing idiot so deftly played by Keanu, his hag wife, played by real-life mummified hag Charlize Theron, and Keanu’s mother, who warns him that New York is Babylon, and God doesn’t like the people who live there. Does this seem rather backwards to anyone else? Satan telepathically gets a woman to give him a blowjob, for Christ’s sake! And he’s the villain!
 Oh, I forgot another addition to the list of SINNERS – women who do not want to spend their lives breeding. Over and over, Keanu’s wife drones on about how she WANTS TO HAVE BABIES, until we’re hearing it even when she’s not onscreen, kind of like that toothpaste commercial where the guy brushes his teeth and he keeps on hearing the brushing all day OH GOD THE BRUSHING MAKE IT FUCKING STOP anyway, Keanu doesn’t listen to his wife. This is evil on his part, because he’s just allowing her to sit around the house painting the walls and gossiping with her lesbian succubus friends.
I digress. I feel I haven’t properly introduced you to the many characters I’ve listed above. It’s time for the TRASH CINEMA ROLL CALL.
- Kevin Lomax: Aspiring Southern lawyer hired by Satan’s big-city law firm. Given the fact that he is played by Keanu Reeves, his accent is there about half the time.
- John Milton: What a subtle name for Satan! Al Pacino is like the anti-Kenneth Brannagh. Brannagh can’t finish a sentence without whispering, and Pacino can’t finished a sentence without bellowing to hysterical effect.
- Mary Ann: Charlize Theron. She is a withered, emaciated trailer-park reject for whom we are nonetheless expected to respect and love because she wants to be barefoot and pregnant all her life.
- Eddie Barzoon: Buelleeeeerrrr!! Yes, it’s Jeffrey Jones as a lawyer. He’s beaten to death by homeless demonic joggers.
- Alice: Kevin’s mom. She leads an evangelical church run out of a barn somewhere down south. I’m not kidding, it’s in the movie.
- Alexander Cullen: If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to see O.J. Simpson played by Coach, look no further than this film. He’s on trial, and with Keanu Reeves for the defense, I don’t have much hope for him.
- Phillipe Moyez: Delroy Lindo, the kick-ass army guy from Congo! He’s a voodoo guy, and since he practices some religion other than Christianity, he obviously must have the power to use cow tongues and nails to give prosecuting lawyers trouble in court.
 The people complaining that Star Wars: Episode II was racist because Jango Fett was apparently supposed to be an evil Mexican terrorist from Afghanistan (he’s from New Zealand, but I guess that’s a technicality as far as the Detroit Critics’ Circle is concerned) should pull their heads out of their asses and take a look at this piece of medieval filth. Who the hell thinks naked lesbians feeling each other up and making out in an elevator while Al Pacino watches…is EVIL?! Okay, maybe if you replace the words “Al Pacino” with the word “me,” it’d be a lot better (though not grammatically correct), but as they say, two out of three ain’t bad.
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