Curse of the Puppet Master

A Review

A painful fucking review

No, seriously this movie is the definition of writhing in agonizing pain

by Mighty Doom

God, this movie is fucking pathetic.

            When I say that, I mean that it makes Mortal Kombat: Annihilation look like Blade Runner.  With Curse of the Puppet Master – I have no clue what installment in the series this is, the tenth or something – it’s as if the creators have handed over their baby (minus everything that ever made the Puppet Master series watchable) to a couple of high school kids who PL4Y teH QUAEK 3!!11 and think Raziel could kick Kain’s fagit ass, along with a hi-8 video camera and said, “Go ahead, boys, make us a movie.  We just do not care anymore.”

            Curse of the Puppet Master begins with “Tank,” our hero, signing on to do some work for Dr. Magrew, a mad scientist who has come into possession of the killer puppets – scratch that, they’re good in this movie.  They’ve been good ever since Puppet Master III, if I recall correctly, but the transition was never explained, and they’re sure as hell not going to start with this one.  Anyway, “Tank” has a way with the puppets and quickly befriends them.  He also falls in love with Dr. Magrew’s daughter Jane.

            While Dr. Magrew performs various experiments in his dungeon/basement – he’s trying to create “human puppets,” though why is left entirely up to the viewer – Jane is harassed by some beer-swilling frat boys when she and Tank go on a walk in the woods.  Tank shows up and, despite being skinny and short, beats the hell out of the nearest meathead and nearly strangles him, showing his “true form” (a puppet or something, I guess).  Dr. Magrew counsels him and suggests that he is “two creatures,” one aggressive, one…uh…non-aggressive, struggling to maintain control of one body.

            None of this makes an ounce of sense and it’s boring to watch, so we make a quick transition to the ONE KILL the puppets make before the end of the goddamn film – the lead frat boy, who’s working out in his house when a few of the puppets come over and drill a hole in his groin.  This sounds a lot funnier and more entertaining to watch than it actually is.  Like the rest of the movie, it’s dark, boring and poorly shot.

            Anyway, Tank is feeling under the weather and is taken to the basement by Dr. Magrew, who strips him down to his underwear and sets up some electric science stuff around him while the puppets watch.  He throws Jane off the trail by telling her he’s expecting a shipment for his wax museum in from the local importer and sending her to pick it up.  While bad superimposed lightning effects shock Tank’s crotch, Jane, having discovered that Dr. Magrew lied about the shipment, races home to save him.  Too late, Tank’s mind has already been transferred into a robot puppet thing with his face on a TV screen, and the puppet kill Dr. Magrew by slashing his hamstrings.  End of movie.  There is nothing after that.  The puppets kill him, you see Tank’s face on the screen, and the credits roll.

            Some of the Puppet Master movies are quite entertaining, particularly the second installment, and the third installment actually makes a fairly successful attempt at back story and shows you where Toulon (the puppets’ creator) got his ideas.  Curse of the Puppet Master is quite simply one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  It’s not even fun to watch.  Remember Torch, the Nazi stormtrooper puppet with a flamethrower arm? And Decapitron, the puppet with detachable heads so he could shoot lasers and see in infrared? The only puppets who could feasibly have killed someone? They kicked ass, and for that reason alone, they are not in this movie.  All things that kick ass give this film a wide berth, lest its horribleness rub off on them.  This horrid movie, much like the puppets themselves before they turned good, has sucked out my essential brain fluids.  Utter the words Curse of the Puppet Master in front of me and SUFFER THE WRATH OF DOOM.