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The Jones Soda Holiday Pack

Taste Test

Extravaganza

By MattBoySlim

     Not so long ago, Pernell (aka Master P, aka P-Sama, aka Big P, aka "P") showed us a site called X Entertainment.  Last year they did a taste test article on the novelty "Holiday Pack" released by Jones Soda Co.  Here it is, if you're interested.  The idea intriged us.  A week or so ago, my wife Jenn (aka DJ Sassy Toes) and I saw this year's pack at Target and we almost bought it for Pernell.  As it turned out, it was a good thing we didn't as he had already bought it for himself.  We should've known better.  Obviously, he couldn't drink it alone, so we gathered some friends together on Friday night, played some Guitar Hero and tried out the sodas.

     At this point, you may be slightly confused.  Perhaps I should explain.  Jones Soda Co makes a variety of delicious soft drinks in flavors you don't often see from the major drink companies.  Blueberry, Twisted Lime, Watermelon, Grapefruit, etc.  They also have old standbys like Root Beer and Cream Soda but regardless, their beverages are always top quality and can easily be found at such stores as Target, etc.  Last year, they released a Holiday Pack featuring the flavors Greenbean Casserole, Cranberry Sauce, Turkey & Gravy, Mashed Potato and Fruitcake.  Evidently, they didn't taste very good but that's not really the point, is it?  It's supposed to be funny and in my opinion it is.  This year there's two Holiday Packs, the proceeds from which go to a few charities.  We bought the one that's widely available at all Target stores. 

     Each of us had a small amount of each soda in a medium-sized paper cup.  After each taste, we wrote down our reactions.  Here's our panel of testers:

 

 

 

     The pack came with a "Suggested Wine List" to complement the "meal".  Also, a spork and a moist towlette.  Sadly, those pictures came out really fuzzy.  But, here's the sodas:

 

 

 

    

We each took at least a sip of each soda and wrote down a reaction as soon as we were able.  Here's the results:

 
 
Matt
P-Sama
DJ Sassy Toes
Shad Genki
Michele R.
Brussels Sprout
Smelled worse than it tasted, actually.  Could be a lot worse.
Holy shit!  I drank buttered nuts from a bottle!
Tastes like feet (and smells like feet).  Eww.
It's not that bad, but it's awful.  It's all buttery and shit.
It sits in the pit of my stomach.
Wild Herb Stuffing
Smells better than it tastes.
Ack!  A two hit Alka Seltzer shit shot!   It didn't SMELL that bad.
Salty seltzer water.
Smelled herby, but it tastes like...ugh.  Crap.
That was really bad.  Was worse because it was so decieving.
Cranberry
Hey!  Drinkable!
Zestfully sweet.  I'd drink it.  Even a little tart.
Like Crystal Light cranberry juice.  Yums.
Yup.  Cranberry ginger ale.
Like cranberry ginger ale.
Turkey & Gravy
Odorless like iocane powder.  Not that bad.
*Almost puked*.  Trust me, I wasn't trying to be funny.  This is the 5th level of Hell in a bottle.
Turkey wasn't meant to be in soda form.  Now I know why...
Hm.  Meaty, but kinda gross.
It didn;t make me gag, but it was bad.
Pumpkin Pie
Bad!....oh, now it's ok.....ah!  It's back!  Might've been the worst one.
Was there any pumpkins in that shit?  How can you fuck up pumpkin pie?
*no comment* - was feeling too sick
Oh that was gack!  Pumpkin, you fucking traitor!!!
Smelled OK but it was not good.

 

 

    

     So, as you can see, we started out with what we thought would be the worst of the bunch.  Here's what Jenn thought when I gave her the first whiff:

    

 

    
Here's some more grimaces of pain and disgust:

 

 

     Shad was forced to follow many sips with a Coke chaser:

 

 

     The whole thing was ended with the finishing of the cranberry soda and a small bag of Halloween pretzels, much to Michele's relief:

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the end, we are all better friends, having endured such hardships side-by-side.  It was a good experience with bad soda.  Hopefully, we can dupe some other people into trying it again next year!

 
 
 
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